sameoldsong | OPEN TO ALL (ALL RATINGS)

[Connor crumples over that. Sean really believes that he sees him as expendable, like himself. That he'd let Sean be hurt for the endgame. For his mission.

That might have been true, once upon a time. But now, he just turns over the rambling messages in his mind and really wonders. Would he let it happen? Would he have sacrificed Sean in the interest of his investigation?

He really doesn't know. And not knowing is scary.]

I can see where you're getting the idea that I'd treat you like me but
I dont know about that
You have more to lose than i do
You have people that carw about you
I'm replaceable
I don't think you are
I don't think i would have been able to justify getting you killed
To myself or your ma or anyone else
No, i don't owe you anything, and i get the feeling that eben if i did, you wouldn't be all that inclined to collect
Bc you're a good guy lik that
I mean look what ypu did
You helped makr it possible to put away a lot of bad men
I want you to be able to live in a world made a little bit kinder by the end of all this

[He'll blame the sudden annoying emotional break on the drugs. He doesn't cry. He doesn't regret things. He doesn't get torn up over statistical outcomes or beaten odds. But here he is, trying to keep himself from falling apart as he remembers Sean crying on the sidewalk, and making him promise that if he died, Connor would tell his mom what happened.

He can't help the slightly watery smile over that afterthought.]

should i be paranoid you were gossiping about me?

you have people who care about you too. youre not replaceable.
youre not different than me. not really. so i get why its easier to decide that were not worth it compared to others
i get it. it hurts ubt youre not wrong. were both kind of huge messes so like if it sbetween us or a dozen other people it makes sense.
its just math right?

[It really hurts to type it out but. Sean gets it now. Connor thinks he's replaceable. It's not true but the same stuff that made it easy for Connor to decide to take a knife to the hand and chest are the same things that make it easy to decide that Sean's life was a small price to pay for others. It's like weeding an overgrown garden. Sometimes the good plants are too tangled in the weeds to save, but if you remove them, it makes room for everyone else...

Then Connor worries they were gossiping about him behind his back and he feels really guilty now.]

chloe just said you guys knew each other when you were young but she didnt want to gossip about anything
actually i asked one thing and she told me to ask you instead so i was getting a little rude but dont worry
your secrets are safe with her

it was a joke anyway.
She's programmed not to give away company secrets
But yeah, we knew eachother before i ran away.
She's a good teacher, and very smart in that comouter way.
When we met she barely knew how to emote. Limited hardware capacity I guess.

[He reads and rereads the messages in between replies, and his heart aches knowing he's basically destroyed their relationship. But, it was worth it to be able to finish this assignment and end the string of murders. He has to believe it was worth it. He's ripped himself apart for less.]

You know what makes this so stupid?
I would have told you basically everything
About this place, and where I came from and about stuff that's happened on tje job
You would have thought i was nuts and we probably wouldn't have ever gotten together.
Made that mistake before.

[Oh, it- it was a joke. Goddamnit. Sean... Still though, he frowns at Connor calling himself 'company secrets'. He feels a little cold lump in the pit of his stomach thinking about Connor, and this place, and all the stuff that made him the way he is. It's not fair. It's not fair or right to do that kind of stuff to a little kid.

Sean bites his lower lip and chews on it. He should be angrier with Connor. He should be so much angrier than he is right now. Except he's not really, not with Connor. It's Sean's fault in a lot of ways too. He just... he wishes Connor had asked. Sean would have told him what he needed to know to do what he needed to do.]

if youd just asked me
you dont owe me an
i like you the
i wish

im coming to see you. where do they have you in this place or should i ask chloe?

[He gets up and goes to find his shoes, and a jacket in case he has to leave the building. Sean's still feeling all kinds of mixed up about it, but right now, he just wants to see Connor and maybe... maybe they can sort it out face to face. Maybe they can figure out something. Sean wants to know more about Connor, sure, and he wants to prove Connor wrong, that Sean's not going to run away no matter what his history is. But the thing is, Sean likes him, period. Connor doesn't owe him answers.

Liking Connor never had a condition on it.]

[Connor takes a minute to acknowledge that sudden declaration. He hadn't intended to face Sean again until he was up and around again and not drugged and actually wearing more than a tissue thin gown. He's not sure he's ready for this.

He can't tell Sean not to come though. What's more, he doesn't want to tell him not to.]

It's another building closer to the tower itself.
You can summon a car from the parking level and it'll take you wherever you want to go around here.
They're equipped with GPS and stuff so it should be easy but if you need help, Chloe is still connected.

[It's cold outside, just starting to snow, but the inside of the car would be warm. It's a strange futuristic version of the kind of driverless cars already out there on the road for bigger corporations. It pops up a display on the tablet seated in the dash, giving Sean a variety of destinations in the complex including the medical center and the tower proper. Chloe is also available to ask for assistance on the screen, via a little triangular icon.

The hospital won't look all that different from the habitation center from the putside, smooth and white and featureless but more lived in on the inside. It's nice as far as hospitals go, just quiet and rather lacking in human occupants.

And sitting at a front, high shelved reception desk, is a woman that looks very much like the avatar of Chloe, just more natural. She looks up at the movement of Sean approaching.]

Hello again, Mr. O'Malley.

[The whole journey isn't as bad as it sounds like it might be. It's weird though, riding in a car with no driver, talking to Chloe on the screen. Sean mostly looks out the windows, trying to get a grasp on where everything is compared to everywhere else in this place. That tower rises above everything else. It's impossible not to find your eyes drawn to it.

What was it like, growing up in the shadow of that thing? In the village Sean grew up in, there weren't any buildings bigger than two stories. He was never dwarfed by anything, except adults, and maybe a church or two when they went far afield for special occasions. His world had always been a perfect size for Sean. But there wasn't a person alive whose world would feel properly sized with that thing looming over them.

The tower has an alien feel to it. So does everything else, from the building Sean was in, to the hospital. They all have that same strange sensation to them, like they're part of a film set rather than places that people are meant to stay at.

The real sunrise is seeing Chloe in person, and though Sean's feeling nervous and anxious, he can't help but smile in relief when he sees her.]

Chloe! It's good seeing you in the flesh! Or- well, I suppose whatever it is you're made up of, huh? Are you always at the hospital then, or just tonight since Connor's in here?

[Right. Connor. His face falls into a more serious look.]

Can you take me up to see Connor? Or just point the way? I'm not so bad with directions. I just need to know where I'm headed to.

A close approximation, at least.

[Her smile is bright in that customer service kind of way, but her voice is more natural, less modulated than the CGI avatar's. She lifts a hand and shows him her palm, letting her skin seemingly slip back from her fingertips at the question of what she's made of. It looks like shining white plastic, with a membrane over it, presumably what her skin is layered over. It resumes its natural-looking state a moment later as she stands. She's rather tall for a young woman, probably by design.]

I can take you to him. He was still awake when we checked last. Please.

[She gestures to the edge of the desk before stepping around it, then leads the way down one of the nearby hallways.]

To answer your earlier question, yes, I am always here. There are others like me that attend the various needs of the company and its staff. I'm not the Chloe you've been talking to, but we do share information across a unified network, and we do know of you between ourselves.

[She pauses at one of the doors off the hall they've been walking down as she spoke, and presses her hand, once more devoid of skin, to a panel similar to that outside Sean's apartment. She steps back to let him in to see Connor sitting up, looking tired and in need of a shower, and possibly a cup of coffee and a cigarette. He looks around with a soft frown, though it turns to an unsteady smile when the door closes. His voice is just as tired, and very quiet, even in the dully humming silence of the room.]

Hey, stranger.

Oh wow! That's so neat! It looks just like skin when it's on! Oh that's a terrifying sentence.

[But before he can get distracted by anything else, he and Chloe are on their way to see Connor. The really weird part is that this isn't the Chloe he's been talking to, which is... really odd. They're like... they're like identical twins. They look the same, but they're not the same. But since they'r siblings, they gossip to each other. Well it's not that different than a family when you think about it...

Connor looks so tired and just run down. Sean turns and says quickly to Chloe-] Thanks.

[And then he walks over to see Connor, grabbing a chair to drag close to sit on. Sean returns the smile with a small one of his own, and sits by Connor.]

Hey... you uh. You look terrible. I hope whatever they're giving you for the pain is nice.

[Every single even slightly sassy reply that comes to him in that instant dies before it reaches his tongue. He's just too tired. It's entirely possible to see the redness around Connor's eyes from this close, though it seems to be fading back into that poorly-rested look he always has. He's wearing a thin gown and pants to keep him a little more comfortable, and he fiddles with a wrinkle of it above the fold of his blanket. He doesn't quite look Sean in the eye.]

I can feel it but I'm a little too high to care right now I guess.

I was going to come and see you tomorrow morning before I left, you know. [He feels the need to point that out, now that Sean is sitting there looking at him like things were ok again. He knows they're not.]

Yeah, I figured you would. Or, you might have had something come up and gone early. Wouldn't be the first time we cancelled plans...

[He's never minded that. He understands how busy Connor is. But right now, he knows if it happened and Connor left early, Sean's... Sean's not sure what would happen after that, but he knows they'd never be okay again. And he's decided that he wants things to be okay again, somehow. Because Connor fucked up, yeah, he fucked up in a big way. But the more Sean hears, the more it's clear that Connor doesn't really know how not to see people like... like numbers in a calculation.

After a moment he reaches over to set one of his hands on Connor's, just resting it on top.]

I wanted to tell you since the first time we met. I kept... trying to figure out how to tell you about the body you'd fished out. I thought maybe I'd just... write a letter and leave it under your door y'know, tell you where to find all the evidence. But then they might know it was me, so I was thinking about leaving town. I uh... I have an ex in Chicago who'd always put me up. It's just... expensive to leave when you don't have a ride and uh...

[He trails off and stares down at his shoes as he mumbles out the rest.]

I like you a lot. I didn't think it would last more than six months though, because you're busy and I'm... really good at making these things not last. So I figured after we broke it off, then I could talk my ex into coming to get me, and I could just leave all the info for you, and it'd be okay. You'd get to arrest them and I'd... I'd be in Chicago, and nobody would care what happened to me.

[But that didn't happen. Now they're here.]

Chloe said they... they were making you into a better kind of detective here. Raising you to be a better tool, for solving problems.

[Connor is still and silent as he lets Sean talk, just listening, hand resting under his, though as Sean's volume drops off and he starts to mumble, he lifts his fingers just enough to slip them in between Sean's and rest there once more.]

I suppose I just don't have enough faith in people to have trusted that you would do that for me. [He admits it with a small grimace, just watching their hands rather than looking back at Sean.] I'm sure he would have taken better care of you than I could, anyway. I wasn't made to have relationships. I was made to integrate for the sake of whatever assignment I was sent on.

Sean, when I told you I didn't have parents, there was a little more to that. I just...I wasn't actually born. I was the definition of a test tube baby. I never occupied someone else's womb, I was put together one piece of DNA at a time. I was incubated like a sample in a petri dish, designed to someone else's exact specifications and grown in sterile but basically perfect conditions for optimal health. Have you ever seen the movie GATTACA? Like that, just without the backing of a potential family.

[It's all very resigned, very matter of fact. He thinks about this a lot.]

I never knew anything but this place, until I was thirteen, and Amanda decided to take me along to some...function. Up until then, the only people I knew were the ones here. Other people are distracting, they'd said. You need to focus on bringing your mind up on par with your genetics. Then you can worry about the rest. And...I met Gavin. He thought I was weird. I don't even know if the other kid I met back then remembers me, but uh. I've arrested him a few times. Petty crimes, drug-related usually.

Gavin helped me a lot, when I was a teenager. Lent me his grandmother. I only knew what one was in theory.

I have a twin. He's an exact copy of me that they made as a backup, in case I failed whatever they made me to do. I never met him. I think he works for the FBI now.

[He trails off, leaning back and watching the window on the other side of the room, tiny snowflakes silently peppering the glass then melting off. He feels drained, and looks even more tired now, just talking about it. He doesn't even know if it'll help Sean understand anything. He just needs to say something. Anything to keep that line of communication open.]

I ran away as soon as I knew I could get myself legally emancipated from their guardianship. They didn't approve of my wanting to be a cop instead of...some kind of perfect sleuth. I wanted to help people.

[Sean just listens. He stays quiet, and he lets Connor talk and he just listens to it all. There's bit he already picked up, stuff like the idea that Connor hadn't really been around regular people for a huge chunk of his life, and that his decision to leave hadn't been a popular one. But the other stuff - that he was entirely a test-tube baby, that he'd never even known that basic first comfort every baby knows, that they'd raised him like that his entire life - that he had a twin that was meant to be a back-up...

Jesus. Jesus Christ. Sean just squeezes Connor's hand, so he knows Sean's listening still when they get to the end.

He doesn't know what to say. It's worse than Sean could have ever thought. It's a goddamn miracle that Connor's as warm and human as he is, all things considered. Anybody else in that situation wouldn't have come out the same. Anyone else would have come out cold and detached all the way to the bone.

Sean needs to say something. He has to. Connor just poured it all out...

He's always been better with actions though. So he squeezes Connor's hand and lets go of it, only so he can stand up and get his shoes and jacket off. He gently shifts Connor a little, so he can get in behind him. It's a small bed, but Sean just tucks himself in behind Connor easily, wrapping an arm around him, and resting his chin on Connor's shoulder. They can both watch the window now, and not have to look at each other, if that helps. But also Connor's got Sean holding him, and now he knows how Sean feels. Because as betrayed as he feels... he likes Connor too much to let that be the deciding factor here.]

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. It's not right. You can take a kid and make 'em who you think they should be. What they did to you wasn't right at all... I'm glad you got out. I'm glad you can help other people.

[Human beings all have quirks and no amount of genetic sculpting is going to eliminate all of them. They couldn't program him with a decent sense of humor or make his freckles more evenly or tastefully spread across his body. They couldn't control his sexuality or his innate need for human contact. They couldn't suffocate his humanity.

He's still awkward though, and emotionally stunted, and bad at knowing how to react to his own feelings. He doesn't know how to fix the part of him that looks at people like variables in an equation.

He doesn't resist when Sean climbs into bed with him and wedges himself in between patient and pillows, just shifting forward to give him a little more room then settling back tentatively as strong arms wrap around him. He can feel the warmth of Sean's cheek on his own even without contact. He doesn't look around, even when Sean speaks up, so close he can feel the gust of breath against his skin.]

I'm going to hurt you again. I don't know how not to.

Yeah well. I never had a boyfriend who didn't hurt me, so I guess you're in good company.

[He gives Connor's stomach a pat, just a quiet reassurance. And it feels weird to come out and say Connor's his boyfriend but... well... fuck it. If they were going to step down in intensity, then Sean would have stayed in his room and dodged Connor's texts. He sure wouldn't be lying behind Connor and holding onto him if he didn't care enough to want this to still be something, even after everything.]

Hey. Look at it this way. You can't ruin my whole life twice, right?

[Connor shakes his head, though he stiffens and stops that the moment it pulls the wound. It's still a dull sort of feeling around the drugs, but it isn't something he can ignore just yet.]

If I'm just the latest in a long line, that's an awful repeating pattern. Don't you think you deserve better than that?

[Though he wants to look back around at Sean, to fix him with that puzzled stare like he's trying to solve him, he doesn't want to move far enough out of this embrace to do so. Instead he settles on taking one of the hands over his stomach, once more working his fingers in between Sean's and dragging his thumb back and forth over the other's knuckle.]

Don't get me wrong, I want this. I want it so badly. But I'm just a defective prototype of a human being. I have two friends in the world and one of them is a dog. I drink to cope and failing that, I work until I crash and then I get back up and do it all again. I just... I wish I knew what you saw in me.

God, not really. I'm not a good person. Not really. Not in the ways you're supposed to be. I've cheated on people, and I've beaten the shit out of guys who had the bad luck of being behind on payments, and I've looked the other way while other people died. I ran halfway across the world and didn't even tell my ma I was alive for like, four months. She thought I'd wandered off and drowned while drunk. I'm going to Hell. I really deserve everything I've got coming to me...

[Sean's fingers part to make room for Connor's, and while Connor's worrying away at Sean's knuckles, Sean just leans his face down and presses a kiss to his shoulder.]

You're not a defective prototype of a human being. You're a human being, period. Like me... We're both fuck ups. We both make really, really terrible choices all the time. And we don't treat the people in our lives as nice as we should.

But you know what else? When I was in a bad spot, you let me sit with you and kept an eye out for me. You invited a total stranger to meet your dog, and sleep in your bed, and... you kept texting me afterwards, even though you didn't have to. You're really nice too Connor, you want to be a nice person, and you want to be a good person. You've figured out that you can't arrest everyone, and that sometimes you look the other way on small stuff, because yeah it's illegal, but it's not hurting anybody. And your first impulse is to keep other people safe, even if it gets you hurt.

[He presses another kiss to Connor's shoulder, and then he turns his head and kisses Connor's cheek softly. It's easy to fall back on little affections. He does his best to make it clear to Connor that he does matter, and he's worth caring about. And he does his best not to think about if Connor's so-called 'parents' are here, because if Sean accidentally meets one of 'em, it's going to be damn near impossible not to throw a punch at them.]

You see something in me worthwhile, right? Well, I see it in you too.

[It's surreal, uncommon and strange to have someone give him these little, meaningful affections, the gestures carrying so much more weight than he should probably let them. But Connor's touch-starved and high on painkillers and for once, he feels like he actually matters after believing for his entire adult life that he could die easily and alone and nobody would give two shits one way or the other. He sucks in a deep breath and lets his head fall back against Sean's shoulder, eyes back on the window.]

That wasn't the first time I'd ever seen you. When you hid at my table to get away from Marcone's guys. I'd spotted you around, before. Just loitering, doing your job sometimes. I was still working on building a proper case. Finding bodies, building connections, digging up names...the stuff I'm actually good at, you know? I never once really looked at you and thought 'hey, I should talk to that guy, he looks like he could tell me things'. Maybe you would have run, or told me to fuck off, or...I don't know. Tried to punch me. You never gave me a reason to do anything to you. And then you came and hid and I ruined your life.

[He swallows as he lets his head loll to the side, staring unfocused into the middle distance.]

I'll make this right. I don't know how yet, but I will. I just have to get out of here first.

[Sean sighs. Well, knowing Connor had seen him before and knew who Sean was (sorta) before Sean approached him isn't really doing him any favours, but it's not exactly against him either, because yeah, that makes sense. Sean was the one standing outside to keep guard for a reason. He gives Connor's stomach a small pat.]

Honesty? I probably would have tried to suck your dick anyway. You're really cute, and my judgement is terrible.

Don't worry about it. Just... get healthy. And then get this case through. If I go back to Ireland, then... then I go back to Ireland. My ma's still here. I can always live with her, while I figure things out. And international calling isn't that expensive, you know? Just... try keep me out of prison, please. I'll live with the rest, no matter what that is.

[He knows he's not making this easier, or better. But he wants to be honest. He wants to not make Sean feel like he's going to deceive him. Whether or not it continues to ruin their relationship, he wants Sean to at least be able to trust his word.]

I'm not going to let them deport you. Anything I can do to make this better, I will. Even if your ma would be happy to take you in I want that to be a last resort. I don't want you to leave.

But...I guess if worse comes to worst, we'd figure out how to keep in touch, yeah.

[It's nice thinking that Connor can do that, keep Sean out of jail and keep him from being deported. It's a really nice dream. He just rests his chin back on Connor's shoulder again, and tries not to hope too much, even as he finds himself hoping a little.]

I don't want to leave either. I've gotten too used to American food and American men to want to go back. And we still need to go on that date out to Comerica Park. You owe me a beer there. And if we can't have it there, then... then you can fly to Ireland, and I'll show you around there, and we can get a pint. Your treat.

[Connor smiles, a little bit shaky but relieved that Sean really does seem to still want to give this a chance. He shifts a little, tucking a thin shoulder against Sean's chest.]

You know, I really think I'd like that. I've never been outside the US before. But I don't think I could go and visit without wanting to actually be with you. I don't know if I could go the entire visit without kissing you. Unless we hid out somewhere maybe. That's an option.

[Sean's quiet for a bit as he thinks about it. It's one thing for Sean to keep himself firmly tucked in a closet. But... it's not fair to ask the same of Connor. He's not the one with hang-ups... and he's not the one afraid of losing his mother's love. Sean just stays tucked in close, his arm around Connor as he thinks.]

I... I wouldn't want to go the whole visit without kissing you either. And I'd want you to meet my ma. I think you'd get along. She's stern, and very serious, but she's got a good heart too.

[It's hard to say outright that he'd be willing to come out for Connor's sake, especially when Sean's not sure he can. He doesn't want to make his family have any reason not to love him anymore. Even if it's ridiculous... But he just gives Connor a squeeze.]

If you come for a visit, I'll... I'll talk to ma. Before you show up. So she understands.

[Connor's thoughts run along identical lines. He wouldn't put Sean at risk of ostracism. His family loves him. He has a family that loves him. He wouldn't fuck that up for Sean for anything, even his own wants.

But they'd cross that bridge if they came to it. They'd talk it out and Sean could talk to his mother and maybe they could decide how to proceed from there.]

Even if you stay stateside I'd still like to go and visit. I think maybe it would be good for you to get to see her.

... yeah, it would be. I've missed her a lot. And uh. You can't go home after you've overstayed your visa. They don't let you in a second time.

[It's a nice thought, showing Connor around his home, and having him meet ma, and Eliza... but not Colin. Hopefully he'll be away at university if they go because Colin's such an asshole. But, he can show Connor the meadow he used to go play in as a kid, and take him down to the seaside to see the sites, and maybe up to some of the burial mounds nearby. Sean bets Connor would probably love the older stuff, he's smart, history is for smart people.

He doesn't want to hope, but he does anyway. It's what Sean's best at.

Connor's tired though, and Sean gives him another soft kiss on the shoulder.]

Do you need me to go so you can sleep or... do you want me to stay with you a while longer?

I promised you that I would work on helping you get your paperwork in order to file for proper citizenship. It'll just take time.

[Connor's fingers tighten briefly in between Sean's and he brings his hand up to press his lips against the back of it. He's reluctant to let it go.]

If you want to go I can't exactly stop you. But I'd prefer if you stayed... Please.

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sameoldsong - 2018-11-06 15:25 (UTC) - Expand