God, not really. I'm not a good person. Not really. Not in the ways you're supposed to be. I've cheated on people, and I've beaten the shit out of guys who had the bad luck of being behind on payments, and I've looked the other way while other people died. I ran halfway across the world and didn't even tell my ma I was alive for like, four months. She thought I'd wandered off and drowned while drunk. I'm going to Hell. I really deserve everything I've got coming to me...
[Sean's fingers part to make room for Connor's, and while Connor's worrying away at Sean's knuckles, Sean just leans his face down and presses a kiss to his shoulder.]
You're not a defective prototype of a human being. You're a human being, period. Like me... We're both fuck ups. We both make really, really terrible choices all the time. And we don't treat the people in our lives as nice as we should.
But you know what else? When I was in a bad spot, you let me sit with you and kept an eye out for me. You invited a total stranger to meet your dog, and sleep in your bed, and... you kept texting me afterwards, even though you didn't have to. You're really nice too Connor, you want to be a nice person, and you want to be a good person. You've figured out that you can't arrest everyone, and that sometimes you look the other way on small stuff, because yeah it's illegal, but it's not hurting anybody. And your first impulse is to keep other people safe, even if it gets you hurt.
[He presses another kiss to Connor's shoulder, and then he turns his head and kisses Connor's cheek softly. It's easy to fall back on little affections. He does his best to make it clear to Connor that he does matter, and he's worth caring about. And he does his best not to think about if Connor's so-called 'parents' are here, because if Sean accidentally meets one of 'em, it's going to be damn near impossible not to throw a punch at them.]
You see something in me worthwhile, right? Well, I see it in you too.
[It's surreal, uncommon and strange to have someone give him these little, meaningful affections, the gestures carrying so much more weight than he should probably let them. But Connor's touch-starved and high on painkillers and for once, he feels like he actually matters after believing for his entire adult life that he could die easily and alone and nobody would give two shits one way or the other. He sucks in a deep breath and lets his head fall back against Sean's shoulder, eyes back on the window.]
That wasn't the first time I'd ever seen you. When you hid at my table to get away from Marcone's guys. I'd spotted you around, before. Just loitering, doing your job sometimes. I was still working on building a proper case. Finding bodies, building connections, digging up names...the stuff I'm actually good at, you know? I never once really looked at you and thought 'hey, I should talk to that guy, he looks like he could tell me things'. Maybe you would have run, or told me to fuck off, or...I don't know. Tried to punch me. You never gave me a reason to do anything to you. And then you came and hid and I ruined your life.
[He swallows as he lets his head loll to the side, staring unfocused into the middle distance.]
I'll make this right. I don't know how yet, but I will. I just have to get out of here first.
[Sean sighs. Well, knowing Connor had seen him before and knew who Sean was (sorta) before Sean approached him isn't really doing him any favours, but it's not exactly against him either, because yeah, that makes sense. Sean was the one standing outside to keep guard for a reason. He gives Connor's stomach a small pat.]
Honesty? I probably would have tried to suck your dick anyway. You're really cute, and my judgement is terrible.
Don't worry about it. Just... get healthy. And then get this case through. If I go back to Ireland, then... then I go back to Ireland. My ma's still here. I can always live with her, while I figure things out. And international calling isn't that expensive, you know? Just... try keep me out of prison, please. I'll live with the rest, no matter what that is.
[He knows he's not making this easier, or better. But he wants to be honest. He wants to not make Sean feel like he's going to deceive him. Whether or not it continues to ruin their relationship, he wants Sean to at least be able to trust his word.]
I'm not going to let them deport you. Anything I can do to make this better, I will. Even if your ma would be happy to take you in I want that to be a last resort. I don't want you to leave.
But...I guess if worse comes to worst, we'd figure out how to keep in touch, yeah.
[It's nice thinking that Connor can do that, keep Sean out of jail and keep him from being deported. It's a really nice dream. He just rests his chin back on Connor's shoulder again, and tries not to hope too much, even as he finds himself hoping a little.]
I don't want to leave either. I've gotten too used to American food and American men to want to go back. And we still need to go on that date out to Comerica Park. You owe me a beer there. And if we can't have it there, then... then you can fly to Ireland, and I'll show you around there, and we can get a pint. Your treat.
[Connor smiles, a little bit shaky but relieved that Sean really does seem to still want to give this a chance. He shifts a little, tucking a thin shoulder against Sean's chest.]
You know, I really think I'd like that. I've never been outside the US before. But I don't think I could go and visit without wanting to actually be with you. I don't know if I could go the entire visit without kissing you. Unless we hid out somewhere maybe. That's an option.
[Sean's quiet for a bit as he thinks about it. It's one thing for Sean to keep himself firmly tucked in a closet. But... it's not fair to ask the same of Connor. He's not the one with hang-ups... and he's not the one afraid of losing his mother's love. Sean just stays tucked in close, his arm around Connor as he thinks.]
I... I wouldn't want to go the whole visit without kissing you either. And I'd want you to meet my ma. I think you'd get along. She's stern, and very serious, but she's got a good heart too.
[It's hard to say outright that he'd be willing to come out for Connor's sake, especially when Sean's not sure he can. He doesn't want to make his family have any reason not to love him anymore. Even if it's ridiculous... But he just gives Connor a squeeze.]
If you come for a visit, I'll... I'll talk to ma. Before you show up. So she understands.
[Connor's thoughts run along identical lines. He wouldn't put Sean at risk of ostracism. His family loves him. He has a family that loves him. He wouldn't fuck that up for Sean for anything, even his own wants.
But they'd cross that bridge if they came to it. They'd talk it out and Sean could talk to his mother and maybe they could decide how to proceed from there.]
Even if you stay stateside I'd still like to go and visit. I think maybe it would be good for you to get to see her.
... yeah, it would be. I've missed her a lot. And uh. You can't go home after you've overstayed your visa. They don't let you in a second time.
[It's a nice thought, showing Connor around his home, and having him meet ma, and Eliza... but not Colin. Hopefully he'll be away at university if they go because Colin's such an asshole. But, he can show Connor the meadow he used to go play in as a kid, and take him down to the seaside to see the sites, and maybe up to some of the burial mounds nearby. Sean bets Connor would probably love the older stuff, he's smart, history is for smart people.
He doesn't want to hope, but he does anyway. It's what Sean's best at.
Connor's tired though, and Sean gives him another soft kiss on the shoulder.]
Do you need me to go so you can sleep or... do you want me to stay with you a while longer?
[It makes Sean so angry thinking about what they did to Connor. All the shit they convinced him was real that isn't. Taking a small kid and telling him hey, you're a tool for us to use, and we have a back-up waiting in the wings to take your place the moment we decide you've failed. Your only job is investigating things, and we're going to make you grow up without people, because clearly you'll do your best job when you don't know how to take care of yourself, or how to make yourself happy, or how to feel like you're worth something. Jesus Christ. He just tucks himself that one last half-inch closer, so they're perfectly nestled together like a pair of spoons.]
I don't want to go. I'm going to stay here until someone kicks me out.
[And that's exactly what Sean does, staying wrapped around Connor all through the night. He sleeps easier this way, and after the past few days in a holding cell, Sean's as tired as Connor is. He just keeps his arm around Connor and keeps him close, careful not to jostle Connor or hurt his wound any. He doesn't feel any more doubts about his choices after that, because he's made it. He's sticking with Connor.
And maybe someday soon, he'll introduce Connor to his mother as more than just a friend.]
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(no subject)
5/11/18 17:32 (UTC)[Sean's fingers part to make room for Connor's, and while Connor's worrying away at Sean's knuckles, Sean just leans his face down and presses a kiss to his shoulder.]
You're not a defective prototype of a human being. You're a human being, period. Like me... We're both fuck ups. We both make really, really terrible choices all the time. And we don't treat the people in our lives as nice as we should.
But you know what else? When I was in a bad spot, you let me sit with you and kept an eye out for me. You invited a total stranger to meet your dog, and sleep in your bed, and... you kept texting me afterwards, even though you didn't have to. You're really nice too Connor, you want to be a nice person, and you want to be a good person. You've figured out that you can't arrest everyone, and that sometimes you look the other way on small stuff, because yeah it's illegal, but it's not hurting anybody. And your first impulse is to keep other people safe, even if it gets you hurt.
[He presses another kiss to Connor's shoulder, and then he turns his head and kisses Connor's cheek softly. It's easy to fall back on little affections. He does his best to make it clear to Connor that he does matter, and he's worth caring about. And he does his best not to think about if Connor's so-called 'parents' are here, because if Sean accidentally meets one of 'em, it's going to be damn near impossible not to throw a punch at them.]
You see something in me worthwhile, right? Well, I see it in you too.
(no subject)
5/11/18 18:07 (UTC)That wasn't the first time I'd ever seen you. When you hid at my table to get away from Marcone's guys. I'd spotted you around, before. Just loitering, doing your job sometimes. I was still working on building a proper case. Finding bodies, building connections, digging up names...the stuff I'm actually good at, you know? I never once really looked at you and thought 'hey, I should talk to that guy, he looks like he could tell me things'. Maybe you would have run, or told me to fuck off, or...I don't know. Tried to punch me. You never gave me a reason to do anything to you. And then you came and hid and I ruined your life.
[He swallows as he lets his head loll to the side, staring unfocused into the middle distance.]
I'll make this right. I don't know how yet, but I will. I just have to get out of here first.
(no subject)
5/11/18 18:14 (UTC)Honesty? I probably would have tried to suck your dick anyway. You're really cute, and my judgement is terrible.
Don't worry about it. Just... get healthy. And then get this case through. If I go back to Ireland, then... then I go back to Ireland. My ma's still here. I can always live with her, while I figure things out. And international calling isn't that expensive, you know? Just... try keep me out of prison, please. I'll live with the rest, no matter what that is.
(no subject)
6/11/18 03:39 (UTC)I'm not going to let them deport you. Anything I can do to make this better, I will. Even if your ma would be happy to take you in I want that to be a last resort. I don't want you to leave.
But...I guess if worse comes to worst, we'd figure out how to keep in touch, yeah.
(no subject)
6/11/18 04:19 (UTC)I don't want to leave either. I've gotten too used to American food and American men to want to go back. And we still need to go on that date out to Comerica Park. You owe me a beer there. And if we can't have it there, then... then you can fly to Ireland, and I'll show you around there, and we can get a pint. Your treat.
(no subject)
6/11/18 04:43 (UTC)You know, I really think I'd like that. I've never been outside the US before. But I don't think I could go and visit without wanting to actually be with you. I don't know if I could go the entire visit without kissing you. Unless we hid out somewhere maybe. That's an option.
(no subject)
6/11/18 06:02 (UTC)I... I wouldn't want to go the whole visit without kissing you either. And I'd want you to meet my ma. I think you'd get along. She's stern, and very serious, but she's got a good heart too.
[It's hard to say outright that he'd be willing to come out for Connor's sake, especially when Sean's not sure he can. He doesn't want to make his family have any reason not to love him anymore. Even if it's ridiculous... But he just gives Connor a squeeze.]
If you come for a visit, I'll... I'll talk to ma. Before you show up. So she understands.
(no subject)
6/11/18 06:34 (UTC)But they'd cross that bridge if they came to it. They'd talk it out and Sean could talk to his mother and maybe they could decide how to proceed from there.]
Even if you stay stateside I'd still like to go and visit. I think maybe it would be good for you to get to see her.
(no subject)
6/11/18 07:10 (UTC)[It's a nice thought, showing Connor around his home, and having him meet ma, and Eliza... but not Colin. Hopefully he'll be away at university if they go because Colin's such an asshole. But, he can show Connor the meadow he used to go play in as a kid, and take him down to the seaside to see the sites, and maybe up to some of the burial mounds nearby. Sean bets Connor would probably love the older stuff, he's smart, history is for smart people.
He doesn't want to hope, but he does anyway. It's what Sean's best at.
Connor's tired though, and Sean gives him another soft kiss on the shoulder.]
Do you need me to go so you can sleep or... do you want me to stay with you a while longer?
(no subject)
6/11/18 08:22 (UTC)[Connor's fingers tighten briefly in between Sean's and he brings his hand up to press his lips against the back of it. He's reluctant to let it go.]
If you want to go I can't exactly stop you. But I'd prefer if you stayed... Please.
(no subject)
6/11/18 15:25 (UTC)[It makes Sean so angry thinking about what they did to Connor. All the shit they convinced him was real that isn't. Taking a small kid and telling him hey, you're a tool for us to use, and we have a back-up waiting in the wings to take your place the moment we decide you've failed. Your only job is investigating things, and we're going to make you grow up without people, because clearly you'll do your best job when you don't know how to take care of yourself, or how to make yourself happy, or how to feel like you're worth something. Jesus Christ. He just tucks himself that one last half-inch closer, so they're perfectly nestled together like a pair of spoons.]
I don't want to go. I'm going to stay here until someone kicks me out.
[And that's exactly what Sean does, staying wrapped around Connor all through the night. He sleeps easier this way, and after the past few days in a holding cell, Sean's as tired as Connor is. He just keeps his arm around Connor and keeps him close, careful not to jostle Connor or hurt his wound any. He doesn't feel any more doubts about his choices after that, because he's made it. He's sticking with Connor.
And maybe someday soon, he'll introduce Connor to his mother as more than just a friend.]