That's the name for them! And yeah, that's the one-
[Oh, she cuts him off with an update on Connor. Sean ends up sighing a little with relief.]
Oh good. Thank God. I know it didn't look deadly but you never know about those things you know? God, I knew a guy who got shot with a .22 once, and you wouldn't think a bullet that small could do so much damage, but they just... they bounce around inside of you. A slug hits and stays in place, but a .22, it bounces. You can see where it went in, but the doctors have to scan to figure out where it ended up.
[And it feels weird, because... he wants to see Connor, make sure he's okay. But... he. Doesn't. Sean looks down at his phone, at Connor's dog...]
Hey, Chloe? ... Connor's pretty... focused, huh? Like, really good at solving problems and puzzles... picking the uh... the quickest solution. Did they reward that here?
[She nods, listening to him talking about the way a .22 slug affects a body. Yes, that sounds about right, as the medical report stated that they'd had to locate the whole slug in Connor's shoulder where it had moved away from the entry wound. She brightens up from her thoughtful expression at Sean's questions though.]
Oh yes, he was designed to be the perfect investigative tool, and to deliver the most optimal solution at all costs. He is exceptionally bright, too. Rather than picking the Occam's Razor method, he is singularly equipped to determine the most practical outcome.
[Well he really doesn't like the description of that like. Designed to be the perfect investigative tool. He was a person, a little boy... and that's what they've done to him. Jesus.
No wonder he hadn't worried too much about what might happen with Sean. After all, what was one person's small, little shitty life compared to taking down an entire mob?]
I suppose the people who raised him had a different idea about what a 'practical outcome' was...
... how'd they even get permission to do that to a child? Or... well I suppose when you have money, anything you do is legal, isn't it? Or at least, the people who might normally stop you can be paid to look the other way...
[Chloe, to her credit, looks appropriately conflicted over Sean's questions.]
I think that maybe you should ask Connor any other questions you might have about him. I only knew him when he was a child. He may have insight for you that I can't provide as I am.
[She gives him an apologetic little smile and a shrug of the shoulder. It would be less clinical, for Connor to explain more than that about his own history. She leans toward the screen a little bit though, shoulders tucked up about her neck, as if she had her arms behind her back.]
If I can answer anything else for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
Yeah, that's fair. Sorry. Things are just a... a little awkward right now. I guess I was trying to get around it.
[What other questions does he have anyway? This place seems nice. He's found the food, and he knows where his bed is. He's got his books and apparently he can take as long of a shower as he wants. There's probably no point in firing up Grindr - and it would feel weird to try cruise for someone in this place, where everyone knows Connor. Like, it wouldn't just be Sean hooking up, it would feel kinda... personal. Maybe cruel. ... maybe a lot cruel.
Sean's upset but he doesn't want to hurt Connor like that. He just wishes Connor had maybe stopped to think about what that was going to do to Sean before he did it.]
I think that's all Chloe, thanks. Uh, have a good day?
[Sean picks up his crackers and cheese, and heads into the living room. Maybe he'll see what they've got for channels.
He manages to make it an hour before he picks up his phone and texts. He shouldn't, because this is leading Connor on and making him think it's all okay when it isn't, but. Well fuck, Connor did take a bullet for Sean. It feels even shittier to just let him do that, and say nothing.]
hey chloe said youre out of surgery hope youre feeling better
Thank you for talking with me, Mr. O'Malley. Enjoy your day.
[The available channels are myriad, like the deluxe package for most cable providers. There's no restriction on what Sean can watch while he's here.
It takes some time for Connor to get back to him, but he's at least energetic enough not to be monosyllabic, even though his heart sinks. It feels like Sean is just checking in out of some perceived obligation.]
Glad you two are getting along. I'm goung to be fine. It didn't get very far from the original wound so they didn't have to cut more than a little. Om painkillers and some local anesthetic still but tbh thus isn't any worse than the time I got stabbrd through the hand.
[Connor is just a little too out of it to care about his typos. He's annoyed at himself for letting himself get attached, and for letting this mess it up like he is. He wants to be better than this.
He doesn't realize how normal of a reaction this is to having betrayed a man that trusted him.
He's distracted by a thought, and he holds up the hand in question to snap a slightly unfocused pic, showing the pale pinkish scar that runs up part of his palm like a displaced life line.]
[When there's no reply back for a while, Sean kind of spirals for a bit. Not hard, but enough that by the time Connor does text, Sean's watching fucking TLC's never-ending marathon of "A Baby Story" and mournfully polishing off the fish crackers. Might as well torture himself completely if he's going to agonize, right?
So when the phone goes off, he's half expecting something casual and dismissive, with Connor finally drawing a boundary since Sean's the worst at it. Instead... it's. Sharing? He's sharing something.
And Sean had noticed that scar, but... It's just. Things are easier if you don't ask questions sometimes. Especially in Sean's line of work. So when things are off, and you know they aren't adding up, just don't ask questions. Someone has a bunch of strange scars? Touch them and kiss them, but don't ask questions. The way someone acts just doesn't add up? Don't ask questions. Entire huge swathes of their life story hint at some horrible thing having happened to them?
Just don't ask questions.]
no you didnt but to be fair i didnt ask either i figured something pretty rough must have happened
That's fair, yeah. Same case as the one on my chest actually. The circle one you like.
[He'd long since taken note of how much Sean likes his scars, likes touching and kissing and reveling in the texture. They're not particularly sensitive, but the attention is nice. Was nice.
Fuck.]
Guy that sucker-punched me nailed me to a table through the hand with a kitchen knife so he could get away. I was investigating that small-time terrorist attack on the local broadcasting station and he was a witness but he had a good poker face and apparently too much to lose So he bolted and my partner at the time had to get him.
[He puts his phone down in his lap and reclines back, making a face at that. A little too similar to this, though at least it was just him working alone, so nobody had to actually get hurt this time.
[He feels so relieved when Connor keeps texting back. He's clearly sleepy, or drugged, probably both after surgery. Chloe said he had come out of it. Which made him freaking out about Connor not texting back to be kind of a dick move but-
Oh whatever. He's just relieved they're talking.]
ejsus christ jesus thats fucking scary youve got bad luck when it comes to stuff stuff huh? sorry that i'm the reason youve got another in your collection
nah, was my fault. I thpught i could intimidate him into talking. We solved it in the end and anything that happened to me was negligible at best. I got a commendation and a little medical leave. Small potatoes in the grand scheme.
[He doesn't care that he'd been hurt. He rarely ever cares when he's hurt on the job. It's never personal, that he knows of. And it doesn't keep him from work for long. It doesn't impact his social life, since there's not exactly a social life to impact. It just doesnt matter.
He gnaws on his lip and debates whether to acknowledge the apology. Because yes, he was injured protecting Sean, but it was all his own fault. He put them both in this position. But he doesn't want Sean to feel guilty about any of it, when it wasn't his fault.]
Shit happens, don't worry about it. Hey I'll be out of here tonight, if you want to talk. If not, it's ok. It's been a long day and we could both use a nap, huh
Of course Connor sees it that way. And isn't that the problem? Like Chloe said, they made him so he picks the most practical outcome. But what's that mean when you look at your own body and see it as something worth sacrificing to get the 'practical' outcome? What's even practical about that?
... and no wonder then that he saw the practical outcome involved sacrificing Sean's life. After all, if it's that easy to throw away his own life, then what's someone else's?
i dont think i can agree with that but youre better at knowing what you thinkgs negligible than me id like to talk but i just dont know what to even talk about anymore i still really like you connor. i dont want you to get hurt or be in pain. and i miss you when were not talking but it really hurts knowing that my life was something negligible to you too i dont know what to do about it though youre right. it hurts but youre right. its not like i was going anywhere or doing anything important. not the way that arresting mob bosses is important. im sorry i think im just being an idiot about this. youre right about the choice you made. you dont have to tell me anything you dont want to either okay? you dont owe me anything, not after you got shot
[Sean's just texting everything coming into his head by the end. It's kind of a mess. Jesus. You'd think he was the one high on painkillers. Instead he's just sad on cheese and crackers.]
chloe misses you a lot and you should write her sometime sorry to get involved
[Connor crumples over that. Sean really believes that he sees him as expendable, like himself. That he'd let Sean be hurt for the endgame. For his mission.
That might have been true, once upon a time. But now, he just turns over the rambling messages in his mind and really wonders. Would he let it happen? Would he have sacrificed Sean in the interest of his investigation?
He really doesn't know. And not knowing is scary.]
I can see where you're getting the idea that I'd treat you like me but I dont know about that You have more to lose than i do You have people that carw about you I'm replaceable I don't think you are I don't think i would have been able to justify getting you killed To myself or your ma or anyone else No, i don't owe you anything, and i get the feeling that eben if i did, you wouldn't be all that inclined to collect Bc you're a good guy lik that I mean look what ypu did You helped makr it possible to put away a lot of bad men I want you to be able to live in a world made a little bit kinder by the end of all this
[He'll blame the sudden annoying emotional break on the drugs. He doesn't cry. He doesn't regret things. He doesn't get torn up over statistical outcomes or beaten odds. But here he is, trying to keep himself from falling apart as he remembers Sean crying on the sidewalk, and making him promise that if he died, Connor would tell his mom what happened.
He can't help the slightly watery smile over that afterthought.]
you have people who care about you too. youre not replaceable. youre not different than me. not really. so i get why its easier to decide that were not worth it compared to others i get it. it hurts ubt youre not wrong. were both kind of huge messes so like if it sbetween us or a dozen other people it makes sense. its just math right?
[It really hurts to type it out but. Sean gets it now. Connor thinks he's replaceable. It's not true but the same stuff that made it easy for Connor to decide to take a knife to the hand and chest are the same things that make it easy to decide that Sean's life was a small price to pay for others. It's like weeding an overgrown garden. Sometimes the good plants are too tangled in the weeds to save, but if you remove them, it makes room for everyone else...
Then Connor worries they were gossiping about him behind his back and he feels really guilty now.]
chloe just said you guys knew each other when you were young but she didnt want to gossip about anything actually i asked one thing and she told me to ask you instead so i was getting a little rude but dont worry your secrets are safe with her
it was a joke anyway. She's programmed not to give away company secrets But yeah, we knew eachother before i ran away. She's a good teacher, and very smart in that comouter way. When we met she barely knew how to emote. Limited hardware capacity I guess.
[He reads and rereads the messages in between replies, and his heart aches knowing he's basically destroyed their relationship. But, it was worth it to be able to finish this assignment and end the string of murders. He has to believe it was worth it. He's ripped himself apart for less.]
You know what makes this so stupid? I would have told you basically everything About this place, and where I came from and about stuff that's happened on tje job You would have thought i was nuts and we probably wouldn't have ever gotten together. Made that mistake before.
[Oh, it- it was a joke. Goddamnit. Sean... Still though, he frowns at Connor calling himself 'company secrets'. He feels a little cold lump in the pit of his stomach thinking about Connor, and this place, and all the stuff that made him the way he is. It's not fair. It's not fair or right to do that kind of stuff to a little kid.
Sean bites his lower lip and chews on it. He should be angrier with Connor. He should be so much angrier than he is right now. Except he's not really, not with Connor. It's Sean's fault in a lot of ways too. He just... he wishes Connor had asked. Sean would have told him what he needed to know to do what he needed to do.]
if youd just asked me you dont owe me an i like you the i wish
im coming to see you. where do they have you in this place or should i ask chloe?
[He gets up and goes to find his shoes, and a jacket in case he has to leave the building. Sean's still feeling all kinds of mixed up about it, but right now, he just wants to see Connor and maybe... maybe they can sort it out face to face. Maybe they can figure out something. Sean wants to know more about Connor, sure, and he wants to prove Connor wrong, that Sean's not going to run away no matter what his history is. But the thing is, Sean likes him, period. Connor doesn't owe him answers.
[Connor takes a minute to acknowledge that sudden declaration. He hadn't intended to face Sean again until he was up and around again and not drugged and actually wearing more than a tissue thin gown. He's not sure he's ready for this.
He can't tell Sean not to come though. What's more, he doesn't want to tell him not to.]
It's another building closer to the tower itself. You can summon a car from the parking level and it'll take you wherever you want to go around here. They're equipped with GPS and stuff so it should be easy but if you need help, Chloe is still connected.
[It's cold outside, just starting to snow, but the inside of the car would be warm. It's a strange futuristic version of the kind of driverless cars already out there on the road for bigger corporations. It pops up a display on the tablet seated in the dash, giving Sean a variety of destinations in the complex including the medical center and the tower proper. Chloe is also available to ask for assistance on the screen, via a little triangular icon.
The hospital won't look all that different from the habitation center from the putside, smooth and white and featureless but more lived in on the inside. It's nice as far as hospitals go, just quiet and rather lacking in human occupants.
And sitting at a front, high shelved reception desk, is a woman that looks very much like the avatar of Chloe, just more natural. She looks up at the movement of Sean approaching.]
[The whole journey isn't as bad as it sounds like it might be. It's weird though, riding in a car with no driver, talking to Chloe on the screen. Sean mostly looks out the windows, trying to get a grasp on where everything is compared to everywhere else in this place. That tower rises above everything else. It's impossible not to find your eyes drawn to it.
What was it like, growing up in the shadow of that thing? In the village Sean grew up in, there weren't any buildings bigger than two stories. He was never dwarfed by anything, except adults, and maybe a church or two when they went far afield for special occasions. His world had always been a perfect size for Sean. But there wasn't a person alive whose world would feel properly sized with that thing looming over them.
The tower has an alien feel to it. So does everything else, from the building Sean was in, to the hospital. They all have that same strange sensation to them, like they're part of a film set rather than places that people are meant to stay at.
The real sunrise is seeing Chloe in person, and though Sean's feeling nervous and anxious, he can't help but smile in relief when he sees her.]
Chloe! It's good seeing you in the flesh! Or- well, I suppose whatever it is you're made up of, huh? Are you always at the hospital then, or just tonight since Connor's in here?
[Right. Connor. His face falls into a more serious look.]
Can you take me up to see Connor? Or just point the way? I'm not so bad with directions. I just need to know where I'm headed to.
[Her smile is bright in that customer service kind of way, but her voice is more natural, less modulated than the CGI avatar's. She lifts a hand and shows him her palm, letting her skin seemingly slip back from her fingertips at the question of what she's made of. It looks like shining white plastic, with a membrane over it, presumably what her skin is layered over. It resumes its natural-looking state a moment later as she stands. She's rather tall for a young woman, probably by design.]
I can take you to him. He was still awake when we checked last. Please.
[She gestures to the edge of the desk before stepping around it, then leads the way down one of the nearby hallways.]
To answer your earlier question, yes, I am always here. There are others like me that attend the various needs of the company and its staff. I'm not the Chloe you've been talking to, but we do share information across a unified network, and we do know of you between ourselves.
[She pauses at one of the doors off the hall they've been walking down as she spoke, and presses her hand, once more devoid of skin, to a panel similar to that outside Sean's apartment. She steps back to let him in to see Connor sitting up, looking tired and in need of a shower, and possibly a cup of coffee and a cigarette. He looks around with a soft frown, though it turns to an unsteady smile when the door closes. His voice is just as tired, and very quiet, even in the dully humming silence of the room.]
Oh wow! That's so neat! It looks just like skin when it's on! Oh that's a terrifying sentence.
[But before he can get distracted by anything else, he and Chloe are on their way to see Connor. The really weird part is that this isn't the Chloe he's been talking to, which is... really odd. They're like... they're like identical twins. They look the same, but they're not the same. But since they'r siblings, they gossip to each other. Well it's not that different than a family when you think about it...
Connor looks so tired and just run down. Sean turns and says quickly to Chloe-] Thanks.
[And then he walks over to see Connor, grabbing a chair to drag close to sit on. Sean returns the smile with a small one of his own, and sits by Connor.]
Hey... you uh. You look terrible. I hope whatever they're giving you for the pain is nice.
[Every single even slightly sassy reply that comes to him in that instant dies before it reaches his tongue. He's just too tired. It's entirely possible to see the redness around Connor's eyes from this close, though it seems to be fading back into that poorly-rested look he always has. He's wearing a thin gown and pants to keep him a little more comfortable, and he fiddles with a wrinkle of it above the fold of his blanket. He doesn't quite look Sean in the eye.]
I can feel it but I'm a little too high to care right now I guess.
I was going to come and see you tomorrow morning before I left, you know. [He feels the need to point that out, now that Sean is sitting there looking at him like things were ok again. He knows they're not.]
Yeah, I figured you would. Or, you might have had something come up and gone early. Wouldn't be the first time we cancelled plans...
[He's never minded that. He understands how busy Connor is. But right now, he knows if it happened and Connor left early, Sean's... Sean's not sure what would happen after that, but he knows they'd never be okay again. And he's decided that he wants things to be okay again, somehow. Because Connor fucked up, yeah, he fucked up in a big way. But the more Sean hears, the more it's clear that Connor doesn't really know how not to see people like... like numbers in a calculation.
After a moment he reaches over to set one of his hands on Connor's, just resting it on top.]
I wanted to tell you since the first time we met. I kept... trying to figure out how to tell you about the body you'd fished out. I thought maybe I'd just... write a letter and leave it under your door y'know, tell you where to find all the evidence. But then they might know it was me, so I was thinking about leaving town. I uh... I have an ex in Chicago who'd always put me up. It's just... expensive to leave when you don't have a ride and uh...
[He trails off and stares down at his shoes as he mumbles out the rest.]
I like you a lot. I didn't think it would last more than six months though, because you're busy and I'm... really good at making these things not last. So I figured after we broke it off, then I could talk my ex into coming to get me, and I could just leave all the info for you, and it'd be okay. You'd get to arrest them and I'd... I'd be in Chicago, and nobody would care what happened to me.
[But that didn't happen. Now they're here.]
Chloe said they... they were making you into a better kind of detective here. Raising you to be a better tool, for solving problems.
[Connor is still and silent as he lets Sean talk, just listening, hand resting under his, though as Sean's volume drops off and he starts to mumble, he lifts his fingers just enough to slip them in between Sean's and rest there once more.]
I suppose I just don't have enough faith in people to have trusted that you would do that for me. [He admits it with a small grimace, just watching their hands rather than looking back at Sean.] I'm sure he would have taken better care of you than I could, anyway. I wasn't made to have relationships. I was made to integrate for the sake of whatever assignment I was sent on.
Sean, when I told you I didn't have parents, there was a little more to that. I just...I wasn't actually born. I was the definition of a test tube baby. I never occupied someone else's womb, I was put together one piece of DNA at a time. I was incubated like a sample in a petri dish, designed to someone else's exact specifications and grown in sterile but basically perfect conditions for optimal health. Have you ever seen the movie GATTACA? Like that, just without the backing of a potential family.
[It's all very resigned, very matter of fact. He thinks about this a lot.]
I never knew anything but this place, until I was thirteen, and Amanda decided to take me along to some...function. Up until then, the only people I knew were the ones here. Other people are distracting, they'd said. You need to focus on bringing your mind up on par with your genetics. Then you can worry about the rest. And...I met Gavin. He thought I was weird. I don't even know if the other kid I met back then remembers me, but uh. I've arrested him a few times. Petty crimes, drug-related usually.
Gavin helped me a lot, when I was a teenager. Lent me his grandmother. I only knew what one was in theory.
I have a twin. He's an exact copy of me that they made as a backup, in case I failed whatever they made me to do. I never met him. I think he works for the FBI now.
[He trails off, leaning back and watching the window on the other side of the room, tiny snowflakes silently peppering the glass then melting off. He feels drained, and looks even more tired now, just talking about it. He doesn't even know if it'll help Sean understand anything. He just needs to say something. Anything to keep that line of communication open.]
I ran away as soon as I knew I could get myself legally emancipated from their guardianship. They didn't approve of my wanting to be a cop instead of...some kind of perfect sleuth. I wanted to help people.
[Sean just listens. He stays quiet, and he lets Connor talk and he just listens to it all. There's bit he already picked up, stuff like the idea that Connor hadn't really been around regular people for a huge chunk of his life, and that his decision to leave hadn't been a popular one. But the other stuff - that he was entirely a test-tube baby, that he'd never even known that basic first comfort every baby knows, that they'd raised him like that his entire life - that he had a twin that was meant to be a back-up...
Jesus. Jesus Christ. Sean just squeezes Connor's hand, so he knows Sean's listening still when they get to the end.
He doesn't know what to say. It's worse than Sean could have ever thought. It's a goddamn miracle that Connor's as warm and human as he is, all things considered. Anybody else in that situation wouldn't have come out the same. Anyone else would have come out cold and detached all the way to the bone.
Sean needs to say something. He has to. Connor just poured it all out...
He's always been better with actions though. So he squeezes Connor's hand and lets go of it, only so he can stand up and get his shoes and jacket off. He gently shifts Connor a little, so he can get in behind him. It's a small bed, but Sean just tucks himself in behind Connor easily, wrapping an arm around him, and resting his chin on Connor's shoulder. They can both watch the window now, and not have to look at each other, if that helps. But also Connor's got Sean holding him, and now he knows how Sean feels. Because as betrayed as he feels... he likes Connor too much to let that be the deciding factor here.]
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. It's not right. You can take a kid and make 'em who you think they should be. What they did to you wasn't right at all... I'm glad you got out. I'm glad you can help other people.
[Human beings all have quirks and no amount of genetic sculpting is going to eliminate all of them. They couldn't program him with a decent sense of humor or make his freckles more evenly or tastefully spread across his body. They couldn't control his sexuality or his innate need for human contact. They couldn't suffocate his humanity.
He's still awkward though, and emotionally stunted, and bad at knowing how to react to his own feelings. He doesn't know how to fix the part of him that looks at people like variables in an equation.
He doesn't resist when Sean climbs into bed with him and wedges himself in between patient and pillows, just shifting forward to give him a little more room then settling back tentatively as strong arms wrap around him. He can feel the warmth of Sean's cheek on his own even without contact. He doesn't look around, even when Sean speaks up, so close he can feel the gust of breath against his skin.]
I'm going to hurt you again. I don't know how not to.
Yeah well. I never had a boyfriend who didn't hurt me, so I guess you're in good company.
[He gives Connor's stomach a pat, just a quiet reassurance. And it feels weird to come out and say Connor's his boyfriend but... well... fuck it. If they were going to step down in intensity, then Sean would have stayed in his room and dodged Connor's texts. He sure wouldn't be lying behind Connor and holding onto him if he didn't care enough to want this to still be something, even after everything.]
Hey. Look at it this way. You can't ruin my whole life twice, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
2/11/18 20:00 (UTC)[Oh, she cuts him off with an update on Connor. Sean ends up sighing a little with relief.]
Oh good. Thank God. I know it didn't look deadly but you never know about those things you know? God, I knew a guy who got shot with a .22 once, and you wouldn't think a bullet that small could do so much damage, but they just... they bounce around inside of you. A slug hits and stays in place, but a .22, it bounces. You can see where it went in, but the doctors have to scan to figure out where it ended up.
[And it feels weird, because... he wants to see Connor, make sure he's okay. But... he. Doesn't. Sean looks down at his phone, at Connor's dog...]
Hey, Chloe? ... Connor's pretty... focused, huh? Like, really good at solving problems and puzzles... picking the uh... the quickest solution. Did they reward that here?
(no subject)
3/11/18 01:35 (UTC)Oh yes, he was designed to be the perfect investigative tool, and to deliver the most optimal solution at all costs. He is exceptionally bright, too. Rather than picking the Occam's Razor method, he is singularly equipped to determine the most practical outcome.
(no subject)
3/11/18 03:43 (UTC)No wonder he hadn't worried too much about what might happen with Sean. After all, what was one person's small, little shitty life compared to taking down an entire mob?]
I suppose the people who raised him had a different idea about what a 'practical outcome' was...
... how'd they even get permission to do that to a child? Or... well I suppose when you have money, anything you do is legal, isn't it? Or at least, the people who might normally stop you can be paid to look the other way...
(no subject)
3/11/18 04:25 (UTC)I think that maybe you should ask Connor any other questions you might have about him. I only knew him when he was a child. He may have insight for you that I can't provide as I am.
[She gives him an apologetic little smile and a shrug of the shoulder. It would be less clinical, for Connor to explain more than that about his own history. She leans toward the screen a little bit though, shoulders tucked up about her neck, as if she had her arms behind her back.]
If I can answer anything else for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
(no subject)
3/11/18 08:10 (UTC)Yeah, that's fair. Sorry. Things are just a... a little awkward right now. I guess I was trying to get around it.
[What other questions does he have anyway? This place seems nice. He's found the food, and he knows where his bed is. He's got his books and apparently he can take as long of a shower as he wants. There's probably no point in firing up Grindr - and it would feel weird to try cruise for someone in this place, where everyone knows Connor. Like, it wouldn't just be Sean hooking up, it would feel kinda... personal. Maybe cruel. ... maybe a lot cruel.
Sean's upset but he doesn't want to hurt Connor like that. He just wishes Connor had maybe stopped to think about what that was going to do to Sean before he did it.]
I think that's all Chloe, thanks. Uh, have a good day?
[Sean picks up his crackers and cheese, and heads into the living room. Maybe he'll see what they've got for channels.
He manages to make it an hour before he picks up his phone and texts. He shouldn't, because this is leading Connor on and making him think it's all okay when it isn't, but. Well fuck, Connor did take a bullet for Sean. It feels even shittier to just let him do that, and say nothing.]
hey chloe said youre out of surgery
hope youre feeling better
(no subject)
3/11/18 13:35 (UTC)[The available channels are myriad, like the deluxe package for most cable providers. There's no restriction on what Sean can watch while he's here.
It takes some time for Connor to get back to him, but he's at least energetic enough not to be monosyllabic, even though his heart sinks. It feels like Sean is just checking in out of some perceived obligation.]
Glad you two are getting along.
I'm goung to be fine. It didn't get very far from the original wound so they didn't have to cut more than a little.
Om painkillers and some local anesthetic still but tbh thus isn't any worse than the time I got stabbrd through the hand.
[Connor is just a little too out of it to care about his typos. He's annoyed at himself for letting himself get attached, and for letting this mess it up like he is. He wants to be better than this.
He doesn't realize how normal of a reaction this is to having betrayed a man that trusted him.
He's distracted by a thought, and he holds up the hand in question to snap a slightly unfocused pic, showing the pale pinkish scar that runs up part of his palm like a displaced life line.]
I never told you abt that onr, did I?
(no subject)
3/11/18 19:15 (UTC)So when the phone goes off, he's half expecting something casual and dismissive, with Connor finally drawing a boundary since Sean's the worst at it. Instead... it's. Sharing? He's sharing something.
And Sean had noticed that scar, but... It's just. Things are easier if you don't ask questions sometimes. Especially in Sean's line of work. So when things are off, and you know they aren't adding up, just don't ask questions. Someone has a bunch of strange scars? Touch them and kiss them, but don't ask questions. The way someone acts just doesn't add up? Don't ask questions. Entire huge swathes of their life story hint at some horrible thing having happened to them?
Just don't ask questions.]
no you didnt
but to be fair i didnt ask either
i figured something pretty rough must have happened
(no subject)
4/11/18 02:48 (UTC)Same case as the one on my chest actually.
The circle one you like.
[He'd long since taken note of how much Sean likes his scars, likes touching and kissing and reveling in the texture. They're not particularly sensitive, but the attention is nice. Was nice.
Fuck.]
Guy that sucker-punched me nailed me to a table through the hand with a kitchen knife so he could get away.
I was investigating that small-time terrorist attack on the local broadcasting station and he was a witness but he had a good poker face and apparently too much to lose
So he bolted and my partner at the time had to get him.
[He puts his phone down in his lap and reclines back, making a face at that. A little too similar to this, though at least it was just him working alone, so nobody had to actually get hurt this time.
Well, except him. But he doesn't count.]
(no subject)
4/11/18 06:11 (UTC)Oh whatever. He's just relieved they're talking.]
ejsus christ
jesus
thats fucking scary
youve got bad luck when it comes to stuff stuff huh?
sorry that i'm the reason youve got another in your collection
(no subject)
4/11/18 07:40 (UTC)We solved it in the end and anything that happened to me was negligible at best.
I got a commendation and a little medical leave.
Small potatoes in the grand scheme.
[He doesn't care that he'd been hurt. He rarely ever cares when he's hurt on the job. It's never personal, that he knows of. And it doesn't keep him from work for long. It doesn't impact his social life, since there's not exactly a social life to impact. It just doesnt matter.
He gnaws on his lip and debates whether to acknowledge the apology. Because yes, he was injured protecting Sean, but it was all his own fault. He put them both in this position. But he doesn't want Sean to feel guilty about any of it, when it wasn't his fault.]
Shit happens, don't worry about it.
Hey
I'll be out of here tonight, if you want to talk.
If not, it's ok. It's been a long day and we could both use a nap, huh
(no subject)
4/11/18 07:55 (UTC)... and no wonder then that he saw the practical outcome involved sacrificing Sean's life. After all, if it's that easy to throw away his own life, then what's someone else's?
i dont think i can agree with that but youre better at knowing what you thinkgs negligible than me
id like to talk but i just dont know what to even talk about anymore
i still really like you connor. i dont want you to get hurt or be in pain. and i miss you when were not talking
but it really hurts knowing that my life was something negligible to you too
i dont know what to do about it though
youre right. it hurts but youre right. its not like i was going anywhere or doing anything important. not the way that arresting mob bosses is important.
im sorry i think im just being an idiot about this. youre right about the choice you made.
you dont have to tell me anything you dont want to either okay?
you dont owe me anything, not after you got shot
[Sean's just texting everything coming into his head by the end. It's kind of a mess. Jesus. You'd think he was the one high on painkillers. Instead he's just sad on cheese and crackers.]
chloe misses you a lot and you should write her sometime sorry to get involved
(no subject)
4/11/18 08:19 (UTC)That might have been true, once upon a time. But now, he just turns over the rambling messages in his mind and really wonders. Would he let it happen? Would he have sacrificed Sean in the interest of his investigation?
He really doesn't know. And not knowing is scary.]
I can see where you're getting the idea that I'd treat you like me but
I dont know about that
You have more to lose than i do
You have people that carw about you
I'm replaceable
I don't think you are
I don't think i would have been able to justify getting you killed
To myself or your ma or anyone else
No, i don't owe you anything, and i get the feeling that eben if i did, you wouldn't be all that inclined to collect
Bc you're a good guy lik that
I mean look what ypu did
You helped makr it possible to put away a lot of bad men
I want you to be able to live in a world made a little bit kinder by the end of all this
[He'll blame the sudden annoying emotional break on the drugs. He doesn't cry. He doesn't regret things. He doesn't get torn up over statistical outcomes or beaten odds. But here he is, trying to keep himself from falling apart as he remembers Sean crying on the sidewalk, and making him promise that if he died, Connor would tell his mom what happened.
He can't help the slightly watery smile over that afterthought.]
should i be paranoid you were gossiping about me?
(no subject)
4/11/18 08:43 (UTC)youre not different than me. not really. so i get why its easier to decide that were not worth it compared to others
i get it. it hurts ubt youre not wrong. were both kind of huge messes so like if it sbetween us or a dozen other people it makes sense.
its just math right?
[It really hurts to type it out but. Sean gets it now. Connor thinks he's replaceable. It's not true but the same stuff that made it easy for Connor to decide to take a knife to the hand and chest are the same things that make it easy to decide that Sean's life was a small price to pay for others. It's like weeding an overgrown garden. Sometimes the good plants are too tangled in the weeds to save, but if you remove them, it makes room for everyone else...
Then Connor worries they were gossiping about him behind his back and he feels really guilty now.]
chloe just said you guys knew each other when you were young but she didnt want to gossip about anything
actually i asked one thing and she told me to ask you instead so i was getting a little rude but dont worry
your secrets are safe with her
(no subject)
4/11/18 09:06 (UTC)She's programmed not to give away company secrets
But yeah, we knew eachother before i ran away.
She's a good teacher, and very smart in that comouter way.
When we met she barely knew how to emote. Limited hardware capacity I guess.
[He reads and rereads the messages in between replies, and his heart aches knowing he's basically destroyed their relationship. But, it was worth it to be able to finish this assignment and end the string of murders. He has to believe it was worth it. He's ripped himself apart for less.]
You know what makes this so stupid?
I would have told you basically everything
About this place, and where I came from and about stuff that's happened on tje job
You would have thought i was nuts and we probably wouldn't have ever gotten together.
Made that mistake before.
(no subject)
4/11/18 10:02 (UTC)Sean bites his lower lip and chews on it. He should be angrier with Connor. He should be so much angrier than he is right now. Except he's not really, not with Connor. It's Sean's fault in a lot of ways too. He just... he wishes Connor had asked. Sean would have told him what he needed to know to do what he needed to do.]
if youd just asked meyou dont owe me an
i like you the
i wish
im coming to see you. where do they have you in this place or should i ask chloe?
[He gets up and goes to find his shoes, and a jacket in case he has to leave the building. Sean's still feeling all kinds of mixed up about it, but right now, he just wants to see Connor and maybe... maybe they can sort it out face to face. Maybe they can figure out something. Sean wants to know more about Connor, sure, and he wants to prove Connor wrong, that Sean's not going to run away no matter what his history is. But the thing is, Sean likes him, period. Connor doesn't owe him answers.
Liking Connor never had a condition on it.]
(no subject)
4/11/18 10:29 (UTC)He can't tell Sean not to come though. What's more, he doesn't want to tell him not to.]
It's another building closer to the tower itself.
You can summon a car from the parking level and it'll take you wherever you want to go around here.
They're equipped with GPS and stuff so it should be easy but if you need help, Chloe is still connected.
[It's cold outside, just starting to snow, but the inside of the car would be warm. It's a strange futuristic version of the kind of driverless cars already out there on the road for bigger corporations. It pops up a display on the tablet seated in the dash, giving Sean a variety of destinations in the complex including the medical center and the tower proper. Chloe is also available to ask for assistance on the screen, via a little triangular icon.
The hospital won't look all that different from the habitation center from the putside, smooth and white and featureless but more lived in on the inside. It's nice as far as hospitals go, just quiet and rather lacking in human occupants.
And sitting at a front, high shelved reception desk, is a woman that looks very much like the avatar of Chloe, just more natural. She looks up at the movement of Sean approaching.]
Hello again, Mr. O'Malley.
(no subject)
4/11/18 10:41 (UTC)What was it like, growing up in the shadow of that thing? In the village Sean grew up in, there weren't any buildings bigger than two stories. He was never dwarfed by anything, except adults, and maybe a church or two when they went far afield for special occasions. His world had always been a perfect size for Sean. But there wasn't a person alive whose world would feel properly sized with that thing looming over them.
The tower has an alien feel to it. So does everything else, from the building Sean was in, to the hospital. They all have that same strange sensation to them, like they're part of a film set rather than places that people are meant to stay at.
The real sunrise is seeing Chloe in person, and though Sean's feeling nervous and anxious, he can't help but smile in relief when he sees her.]
Chloe! It's good seeing you in the flesh! Or- well, I suppose whatever it is you're made up of, huh? Are you always at the hospital then, or just tonight since Connor's in here?
[Right. Connor. His face falls into a more serious look.]
Can you take me up to see Connor? Or just point the way? I'm not so bad with directions. I just need to know where I'm headed to.
(no subject)
4/11/18 11:42 (UTC)[Her smile is bright in that customer service kind of way, but her voice is more natural, less modulated than the CGI avatar's. She lifts a hand and shows him her palm, letting her skin seemingly slip back from her fingertips at the question of what she's made of. It looks like shining white plastic, with a membrane over it, presumably what her skin is layered over. It resumes its natural-looking state a moment later as she stands. She's rather tall for a young woman, probably by design.]
I can take you to him. He was still awake when we checked last. Please.
[She gestures to the edge of the desk before stepping around it, then leads the way down one of the nearby hallways.]
To answer your earlier question, yes, I am always here. There are others like me that attend the various needs of the company and its staff. I'm not the Chloe you've been talking to, but we do share information across a unified network, and we do know of you between ourselves.
[She pauses at one of the doors off the hall they've been walking down as she spoke, and presses her hand, once more devoid of skin, to a panel similar to that outside Sean's apartment. She steps back to let him in to see Connor sitting up, looking tired and in need of a shower, and possibly a cup of coffee and a cigarette. He looks around with a soft frown, though it turns to an unsteady smile when the door closes. His voice is just as tired, and very quiet, even in the dully humming silence of the room.]
Hey, stranger.
(no subject)
4/11/18 20:45 (UTC)[But before he can get distracted by anything else, he and Chloe are on their way to see Connor. The really weird part is that this isn't the Chloe he's been talking to, which is... really odd. They're like... they're like identical twins. They look the same, but they're not the same. But since they'r siblings, they gossip to each other. Well it's not that different than a family when you think about it...
Connor looks so tired and just run down. Sean turns and says quickly to Chloe-] Thanks.
[And then he walks over to see Connor, grabbing a chair to drag close to sit on. Sean returns the smile with a small one of his own, and sits by Connor.]
Hey... you uh. You look terrible. I hope whatever they're giving you for the pain is nice.
(no subject)
4/11/18 21:10 (UTC)I can feel it but I'm a little too high to care right now I guess.
I was going to come and see you tomorrow morning before I left, you know. [He feels the need to point that out, now that Sean is sitting there looking at him like things were ok again. He knows they're not.]
(no subject)
4/11/18 21:28 (UTC)[He's never minded that. He understands how busy Connor is. But right now, he knows if it happened and Connor left early, Sean's... Sean's not sure what would happen after that, but he knows they'd never be okay again. And he's decided that he wants things to be okay again, somehow. Because Connor fucked up, yeah, he fucked up in a big way. But the more Sean hears, the more it's clear that Connor doesn't really know how not to see people like... like numbers in a calculation.
After a moment he reaches over to set one of his hands on Connor's, just resting it on top.]
I wanted to tell you since the first time we met. I kept... trying to figure out how to tell you about the body you'd fished out. I thought maybe I'd just... write a letter and leave it under your door y'know, tell you where to find all the evidence. But then they might know it was me, so I was thinking about leaving town. I uh... I have an ex in Chicago who'd always put me up. It's just... expensive to leave when you don't have a ride and uh...
[He trails off and stares down at his shoes as he mumbles out the rest.]
I like you a lot. I didn't think it would last more than six months though, because you're busy and I'm... really good at making these things not last. So I figured after we broke it off, then I could talk my ex into coming to get me, and I could just leave all the info for you, and it'd be okay. You'd get to arrest them and I'd... I'd be in Chicago, and nobody would care what happened to me.
[But that didn't happen. Now they're here.]
Chloe said they... they were making you into a better kind of detective here. Raising you to be a better tool, for solving problems.
(no subject)
5/11/18 14:16 (UTC)I suppose I just don't have enough faith in people to have trusted that you would do that for me. [He admits it with a small grimace, just watching their hands rather than looking back at Sean.] I'm sure he would have taken better care of you than I could, anyway. I wasn't made to have relationships. I was made to integrate for the sake of whatever assignment I was sent on.
Sean, when I told you I didn't have parents, there was a little more to that. I just...I wasn't actually born. I was the definition of a test tube baby. I never occupied someone else's womb, I was put together one piece of DNA at a time. I was incubated like a sample in a petri dish, designed to someone else's exact specifications and grown in sterile but basically perfect conditions for optimal health. Have you ever seen the movie GATTACA? Like that, just without the backing of a potential family.
[It's all very resigned, very matter of fact. He thinks about this a lot.]
I never knew anything but this place, until I was thirteen, and Amanda decided to take me along to some...function. Up until then, the only people I knew were the ones here. Other people are distracting, they'd said. You need to focus on bringing your mind up on par with your genetics. Then you can worry about the rest. And...I met Gavin. He thought I was weird. I don't even know if the other kid I met back then remembers me, but uh. I've arrested him a few times. Petty crimes, drug-related usually.
Gavin helped me a lot, when I was a teenager. Lent me his grandmother. I only knew what one was in theory.
I have a twin. He's an exact copy of me that they made as a backup, in case I failed whatever they made me to do. I never met him. I think he works for the FBI now.
[He trails off, leaning back and watching the window on the other side of the room, tiny snowflakes silently peppering the glass then melting off. He feels drained, and looks even more tired now, just talking about it. He doesn't even know if it'll help Sean understand anything. He just needs to say something. Anything to keep that line of communication open.]
I ran away as soon as I knew I could get myself legally emancipated from their guardianship. They didn't approve of my wanting to be a cop instead of...some kind of perfect sleuth. I wanted to help people.
(no subject)
5/11/18 15:25 (UTC)Jesus. Jesus Christ. Sean just squeezes Connor's hand, so he knows Sean's listening still when they get to the end.
He doesn't know what to say. It's worse than Sean could have ever thought. It's a goddamn miracle that Connor's as warm and human as he is, all things considered. Anybody else in that situation wouldn't have come out the same. Anyone else would have come out cold and detached all the way to the bone.
Sean needs to say something. He has to. Connor just poured it all out...
He's always been better with actions though. So he squeezes Connor's hand and lets go of it, only so he can stand up and get his shoes and jacket off. He gently shifts Connor a little, so he can get in behind him. It's a small bed, but Sean just tucks himself in behind Connor easily, wrapping an arm around him, and resting his chin on Connor's shoulder. They can both watch the window now, and not have to look at each other, if that helps. But also Connor's got Sean holding him, and now he knows how Sean feels. Because as betrayed as he feels... he likes Connor too much to let that be the deciding factor here.]
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. It's not right. You can take a kid and make 'em who you think they should be. What they did to you wasn't right at all... I'm glad you got out. I'm glad you can help other people.
(no subject)
5/11/18 16:02 (UTC)He's still awkward though, and emotionally stunted, and bad at knowing how to react to his own feelings. He doesn't know how to fix the part of him that looks at people like variables in an equation.
He doesn't resist when Sean climbs into bed with him and wedges himself in between patient and pillows, just shifting forward to give him a little more room then settling back tentatively as strong arms wrap around him. He can feel the warmth of Sean's cheek on his own even without contact. He doesn't look around, even when Sean speaks up, so close he can feel the gust of breath against his skin.]
I'm going to hurt you again. I don't know how not to.
(no subject)
5/11/18 16:50 (UTC)[He gives Connor's stomach a pat, just a quiet reassurance. And it feels weird to come out and say Connor's his boyfriend but... well... fuck it. If they were going to step down in intensity, then Sean would have stayed in his room and dodged Connor's texts. He sure wouldn't be lying behind Connor and holding onto him if he didn't care enough to want this to still be something, even after everything.]
Hey. Look at it this way. You can't ruin my whole life twice, right?
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